Could This Be The Future Of Console Gaming?

Could This Be The Future Of Console Gaming?

Manatank “obtains” some information that may or may not be absolute rubbish.

Disclaimer: All speculative technology in this article is entirely fictitious. Please do not, for the love of God, assume that anything you read here is actually true.

 

It was midnight, and my hands were shaking.

As I stood in the shadows of the underground car park, nervously looking at my watch, I wondered whether he would show. A man who is known only as “the source”, even to his own mother, had agreed to meet me under the cover of darkness and show me what he described as “complex documents” that could be design prototypes for the next generation of consoles.

Just as I was about to give in and go home, he emerged from behind a ticket barrier, wearing a trench coat and a fedora, with a silver briefcase in his hand. He stood in front of me, saying nothing. I handed him a wad of cash, he handed me the briefcase.

“What’s inside there”, he muttered, “will blow your mind”.

After twenty minutes of feverishly looking through the two files, one marked with an X, the other a P, it became clear that I was holding what could be the blueprints for the next Xbox and Playstation consoles.

The most remarkable thing about the two prototypes is their visual design, both of which are geared towards the digital market and stamping out second hand games. The Playstation 4, which was thought to be called Orbis but now appears to be codenamed “Project Uranus”, will be a large, black, rectangular box approximately the size of a small wardrobe, if the dimensions are correct. Though it might appear dauntingly large at first, a side note claims this is to accommodate for the console’s 37 USB ports, 3D Blue Ray HD Deluxe Gamma Delta Processor, and built-in trouser press. The note also explains that a ‘slim’ version of the console may be released later on with reduced features, noting that “the game parts aren’t that important” and will be removed to retain trouser press functionality.

To combat the second hand market, the console features technology that can detect if a disk inserted into the disk tray has been pre-owned. Once a pre-owned disk is detected, it will be instantly melted into a scorching hot liquid substance. According to the document, the molten substance will be “fired out of a miniature side mounted cannon directly into the player’s dirty thieving face”.

Fake Playstation 4 names

Not to be outdone, Microsoft seems to be embracing the end of physical distribution by designing the new Xbox so that it doesn’t take on any physical form at all. This will, however, make backwards compatibility impossible, but it is assured that older titles will be available from Xbox Live in updated HD format for “the modest price of $50 per title”. According to the prototype, games will be streamed to any television, laptop, iphone, tablet, or microwave oven connected to an Xbox Live account.

The documents suggest Microsoft are taking the idea of “being the controller” to its logical conclusion. A draft for the console’s manual outlines a variety of movements that the player can perform while wearing a motion capture body sock, including jumping, flapping, shooting, kicking and sandwich making.

These prototypes also offer an insight into the kinds of games we might be playing on the consoles.  Both Sony and Microsoft are now dedicated to the ‘hardcore’ audience, with Sony paying particular attention to the issue of games getting easier. One manifesto titled ‘Operation KillCasualGames’ outlines some industry wide initiatives, such as replacing regenerating health with insta-kills, only allowing players to save once every hour and a half, having all weapons to be made out of polystyrene, and a new camera system for third person games that will randomly zoom in to the character’s inner earlobe without warning.

Doctors have expressed concern about these new measures after play testers for a Dark Souls 2 beta suffered a nervous breakdown trying to get beyond the game’s first level. Rest assured, Project Uranus includes motion and sound detectors that activate when the console is attacked with great force or the player is reduced to unintelligible howling noises. Once activated, the game resets and the console plays a soothing jazz track until the player’s blood pressure stabilises.

Microsoft, meanwhile, seem set to focus on a different complaint: the length of games. They are fully aware that hardcore gamers are tired of games being “too short”, and that no one with a full time job has any right to be able to complete more than one game in any given decade. Therefore any game released on the new Xbox must have “a mandatory minimum playtime of 500 hours”, a document reads.

The recorded minutes for an ambiguous consultancy meeting confirm this new drive for longer games. “Everyone remembers those rubbish short games like Limbo, Portal and Braid”, said one in house designer. “You could complete them in, what, 3 minutes? We’re putting a stop to all that”.

The meeting also reveals that Gears of War 4’s single player campaign will be at least 900 hours long. To combat what psychologists have called DULL syndrome (Dreariness from Unnecessarily Long Lifespan), the game will come with an easy-to -install cranial implant. The implant will dim the memory of the last hour of the game you played, making each recycled gunfight feel fresh and exciting.

Fake Gears of War 4 Script

What both prototypes also show is that Microsoft and Sony are clued in to current events and are using them to shape the design of their consoles. For example, both corporations have clearly been following the Mass Effect 3 fiasco, and have come to the conclusion that players have no satisfactory outlet for their frustration when a game doesn’t meet up to their personal expectations.

Therefore the design for Project Uranus’ controller features a “new X button”. If the player feels dissatisfied with the game they are playing at any given point, pressing the “new X button” will send an alert to a random member of the development team for that game. That team member then has 3 weeks to change that part of the game to the player’s satisfaction. If they fail to complete the task within the time limit, they will be dragged into a dark room by hired hands and beaten within an inch of their life.

The process for the new Xbox will work much in the same way. However, since the player is the controller, they can signal their displeasure with any aspect of the game, such as unwanted character deaths and confusing plot twists, by jumping up and down on the spot, screaming, or banging their fists against their head. A green light will appear in the top right corner of the screen to confirm that the development team has been duly threatened.

The documents looked like they contained pages and pages of information about fantastical new technology, including smell-o-vision and being able to feel the heat off of in game fire. However, I could feel my vision starting to blur. The world shook and shimmered around me. I felt myself falling. And…

It was all a dream.

If you found that to be an unsatisfying conclusion to this article, you had better start raising some charity money, pronto. Now where are my goddamn cupcakes?

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