LVL UP: Life Lessons from RPG Land

LVL UP: Life Lessons from RPG Land

You know, there’s a lot to be learned from RPGs. In some ways they’ve taught me a lot about life – several important factors that I now know are perfectly fine and are obviously just the law of the land. That’s why I thought I’d share you with you some of these important life lessons from RPG lore, just to make sure you all know exactly how you should be living your lives. Enjoy, and be enlightened.

1) It is perfectly acceptable for you to wander into anybody’s home at will, loot their cupboards, chests, drawers and anything else that looks like it may house items such as vases and then take said items away after talking to the person about events going on in the town. Honestly, they won’t mind in the slightest – in fact many a time they’ll simply stand there and let you get on with it.

2) There are mysterious treasure chests usually tucked away slightly off the beaten path. These are either a) placed by careless travellers who forgot they were carrying a massive chest or b) are actually a rare type of plant which manifests itself in the form of a chest and also spawns forth a handy item that will be of great use to you in your travels.

3) It is perfectly acceptable to force animals to fight until they’re near death, then confine them into small balls where they will lie damaged and in extreme pain until you take them to visit a nice lady who will put said ball in a machine, and return your animal with full health. This process can be then repeated at will, with no repercussions.

4) Everything about your being is dictated by an intricate series of numbers that when depeleted, result in you becoming temporarily dead. As long as your pals have a tuft of feathers from a mythological bird or some sort of tasty salve, you will be back on your feet in no time, although you’ll usually have to be perked up further with a handy potion or mixed medicinal herbs.

5) Every creature within the animal kingdom, regardless of size or available storage capabilities is inextricabley laden with a wide assortment of items. On a good day, furry rabbits  will often yield a pouch of coins and a few health potions while a salivating garden weed may drop a battle axe and a few suits of armor. Why waste your money at the store when you can wander into the forest and kill nature’s beasts until you find what you are looking for?

6) Your own personal slave, never seen on screen, will carry everything you stock up in a massive chest, which he carries on his person at all times. Sometimes it gets a bit too full and you’ll have to discard some items to put more into it, but your personal slave has a hell of a strong back. Sometimes you can even upgrade his spine so he can carry a few more bits of pointless knickknackery!

7) The people around you are only worth talking to for a limited amount of time. Once you initiate a conversation, know that it will end rather quickly as each person will soon begin repeating their previous statements ad nauseum. At this point, take that as your cue to walk away and return once something major has happened. Otherwise, don’t bother.

8: You should always own several tubs of Mr Snodworthy’s Compeletely Indestructible Hair Gel, which, despite the best efforts of your enemies, will keep your hair completely in place despite it being battered with the elements, sweat, general water, wind, foul breath and much more besides. After all, you have to look good while you’re saving the world, right?

9) Before you are allowed to leave whateever task you are currently engaged in or you are about to wander off to a new location, you must scour the surrounding area for a shiny pillar of light and save your progress on that task. If there is not one to be found, take heed,  proceed with caution and simply tell your friends they are going to have to wait.

10) You’re Commander Shepard, and this is your favourite store on the Citadel.

11) At some point in your life you will be entrusted with a vehicle of some sort that means you can go to previously inaccesible locations with the greatest of ease as well as travelling back to places you’ve been before. You can then pop back to tie up loose ends, say hello to the family and perhaps even play some cards.

12) Megaphones, small sticks, forks and fists are surprisingly effective weapons – in fact with the right amount of vigorous training, these usually ordinary items can cause almost untold damage to your enemies, who won’t know what hit them.

13) Provided you look around enough and tlak to enough people, you will gain access to even the most secure places in the world. Military bases, corporate headquaters, and even space shuttle launch pads are all fair game.

14) Based on your actions, shops around the globe will routinely – and very conveniently – seem to progress with you. Wandering into a new town, you’re sure to find the local store stocked to the gills with handy items that improve your abilities, and you’ll soon be parting ways with your money and equipping your new stuff.

15) Regardless of the quality or condition of your items, retailers will always, without question, pay full price for anything you bring to them.

16) People are outnumbered ten to one by monsters which roam the landscape, forcing humans to live clustered together in cities. These conveniently never really seem to get invaded by the monsters, who like to keep themselves to themselves, only attacking humans whenever they stray from the cities and interrupt the monster’s game of poker complete with tea and crumpets.

17) Machinery, despite running on electricity, is often weak against electricity. Despite the fact that it should probably absorb it, using lightning bolts on anything mechanical is usually a sure-fire way to kicking it squarely into next week.

18) A gentleman named Cid, at some point, will enter your life. He’s been known to masquarade in several different disguises, but he’ll always show at some point – whether or not he has a profound effect on your tale or is merely in the background, however, remains to be seen.

19) If you wish to gain a bit of information from someone, chances are you are going to have to run a small errand for them first. These errands usually require you to go somewhere, pick up an item or kill a creature and return before you will be rewarded with knowledge. Afterall, nothing is free.

20) Despite clearly equipping a brand new, spanking set of armour, it will always mysteriously take on the properties of your original outfit, totally replicating exactly how it looked before while providing additional protection. Handy.

21) There’s always this one dude who’s annoyed at the world and wants to destroy everything for no apparent reason  – it’s your job to encase this person’s rage by training yourself into a killing machine complete with the best weaponry, magic and armour around before smacking him squarely into next week.

Of course there are many more lessons to be learned from RPGs, but this concludes our lessons for this time. Why not join in the fun in the comments below?

This article was brought to you by the collective Madcap Minds of Manatank Men of the Moment Eric ‘Feckoffcup’ Pederson and Dan ‘OnePhoenixDownAwayFromGlory’ Curtis.


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