Kevin’s Top Games of 2012

Kevin’s Top Games of 2012

THE TIME HAS COME!!! ALL BOW DOWN TO THE GREATNESS AND THE GLORY THAT IS DINNER DANGLES.

That’s right everyone, it has finally happened, Eades has asked, nay, DEMANDED, that I write an article articulating my 5 picks for the coveted “game of the year” award over at the ol’ ManaTank website. When he asked me, I thought to myself, “I ain’t doin’ dat shizzat.. I got cash to make an’ bitches to nail. mutha fucka thinks I got da time to sit down and write about games….”. Then, on a dark and stormy night, it came to me. Inspiration. Direction. Gravity. So here it is… my top 5 picks for GOTY. Please note, that while my opinions are more valid than all others, not everyone will agree with my choices. That being said, those people can go fuck themselves.

Number 5: Torchlight 2

Okay… I will admit, I only picked this game up 3 days before the stream, so I don’t actually have a lot of time played on it. But I will say this. THIS GAME IS ONE HUNDRED BILLION MILLION KERTILLION TIMES BETTER THAN Diablo 3. “Why is that, oh great Dangly One”, a reader might end up asking themselves. Or they might ask themselves, “Should I make myself a sandwich before reading the rest of the article.” The answer is yes. Go make a sandwich, and do yourself a favor… put some mayonnaise and a little black pepper on it… trust me, you will thank me. Okay… now that you have yourself a sweet, sweet mayo and pepper sandwich we can continue.

The first thing I noticed about TL2 was the art style. Now, coming from someone that generally doesn’t give half a fuck about the art in a game, you may be asking yourself, “Dangles, why do I care about the art style of this game?” Well, devoted follower of the MTP, here is why. Soothing earth tones will make you a happier person. Happy people are more productive members of society, and with that they will pay the majority of their taxes in their lifetimes. There are exceptions, of course. Like me. I don’t pay taxes. That shit is for the dumbs. AM I RITE?? Anyway, back on topic, I just feel that when I sit down to play TL2, it just doesn’t feel as dark and dreary as D3 does. And no, I’m not talking about the great Emilio Estevez vehicle, D3: The Mighty Ducks, I’m talking about Diablo 3 again, but even that movie is a way better game than Diablo 3. When I used to play Diablo 3 I would always be running through some dark, evil looking dungeon with all these grey and brown backgrounds and not a lot of that sweet, sweet color I love so much. Like blue. WHERE IS ALL THE BLUE DIABLO 3!!! You can’t make a game without blue, you just can’t. There is a lot of blue in TL2. And yellow. Even some pink. Wut it is.

torchlight 2

I also like the fact that TL2 is a lot more unforgiving than D3. In Torchlight there is actually incentive to try and build your character correctly, and by correctly I of course mean incorrectly, unless you are asking me how to build your character because I am the only one qualified enough to build correctly. The fact that you can only un-train and retrain your last 3 skills that you trained, and that the stat points are permanent is also sweet ass sweet. Not as sweet as a nice sweet ass, but pretty sweet nonetheless. Diablo seemed a little too geared toward noobs and losers with the whole “retraining your skills on the spot” factor, which was kinda cool until you used all the abilities once, then it got real old real fast with all the constant, “I wonder which skill would be best in this situation, hold on let me keep trying different ones until I find a cool one.” Lame.

Another reason I feel TL2 is better than D3 is more of a personal reason, and cannot be backed up with Emilio Estevez-style facts like my last point. In D3 I played a witch doctor, a ranged glass-cannon style character (at least the way I played it) that really wasn’t a lot of fun in the later stages of the game. Granted, the early game was cool, maybe even the entire normal/nightmare playthroughs. But once I got to hell I could no longer solo easily. Maybe I just sucked massive amounts of pickled eggs while playing. Metaphorically, of course. In Torchlight 2 I play a Berserker, a melee range character that gets right into the middle of it and can life steal the shit out of my enemies. I could even take down the epic raid boss “Oprah Winfrey” if I wanted to. But there is still the chance she could just suck my soul out through my monitor and add it to her collection that she keeps stitched into the chairs of the show.

In conclusion, Torchlight 2 > Diablo 3.

Also, Emilio Estevez > Oprah.

oprah FACE

Nummer Vier: League of Legends

NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ALL THINKING….. LEAGUE NEVER CAME OUT THIS YEAR. IT CAME OUT IN LIKE 2009 YOU STUPID IGNORANT PIECE OF GARBAGE. To you I say, “Hey buddy, maybe calm down a bit. Deep breathes… Okay, now count to ten.. nine, eight, seven… HEY I SAID COUNT TO TEN, NOT COUNT DOWN FROM TEN… Let’s try it again. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Nice, now we can have a rational conversation.” I wasn’t actually talking about the ENTIRE LoL experience; I am talking about the new Twisted Treeline experience, the Shadow Isles remake.

As someone that enjoys 3v3 a lot more than 5v5 or Dominion, I was a little skeptical with all the changes that Riot planned on introducing to my beloved TT. No top jungle? Smaller map by association? Speed shrine? Then, the beta was released around September and I was able to play it, and let me say, it is da bomb. Like, Hiroshima style “da bomb”. Or maybe “Bombs over Baghdad” bombs. OR BETTER YET… ZIGGS BOMBS!!! I AM SO CLEVER!!! Anyway, this game is totally Ziggs bombs. The new map creates a whole lot of opportunities for a well-coordinated team to capitalize on the total lack of communication that most people employ in team games. I don’t know what it is, but if you play 3v3 ranked, and you don’t have Skype or something, you are doing it wrong. My triple revive team will slap you in the dick. Or the pussy, in the unlikely event that you are a skilled player at LoL and a woman. But more realistically the “she” is probably just a cross-dresser like Mrs. Doubtfire. That was a sweet movie. Robin Williams at his absolute best.

twisted treeline baron

The main thing I like about the new TT is that Riot made the changes to try and move the meta away from tanky bruisers and to open up more options to team comps. They totally failed. Completely. Utterly. Failed like the Rosie O’Donnell talk show. MAN, that was a pile of shit. The only thing Riot did when shrinking the map was made gap-closers and dashes more powerful. Sure, you can no longer jump over the wall to the other team’s nexus (unless you are Kassadin, little pro tip for you all), but the fact that some dashes (Lee Sin, Shen, Shaco) reduce gank times between lanes from a completely unacceptable 5 seconds to a WAY more manageable 2 seconds, I can totally get on board with that.

You, oh wise reader, may be saying to yourself, “But Dangles, Dota2 and Smite actually came out this year, like, full games, not just a different game mode for an established game, why are those games not in your top 5?” To that I say, Fuck those games. They suck dick.

Número whatever the fuck 3 is in spanish: The Walking Dead

Man, this game was sweet. So sweet it made me want to go out and buy some Swedish Berries and eat them because they are just as sweet as TWD. This game had a lot going for it. Great story. Great art style. Great name. I mean, when I think of zombies, I don’t think of DayZ or WarZ of HockeyArenaZ or anything like that. I think of dead people walking around. Eating brains. And maybe some skin. I would totally be a skin eating zombie. Unless, as a zombie, I actually need brains to survive, and not just skin. But if that was the case I would totally have to move away from Eades, because if I was forced to eat his brains, let’s just say the meal would be a little lacking. But yeah, TWD did an amazing job of creating tension as the game goes on. Things just keep getting just a LITTLE bit worse, forcing the player to react to all these crazy situations in order to survive the apocalypse. Which brings me to my next point… (whoa, I had an actual transition between paragraphs this time)

The way that the player was in (almost) total control of the direction of the story is what makes this game so awesome. Should I save the hot chick, or the dude that looks like he might be tough enough to slap the shit out of some zombies? Should I tell everyone ****SPOILERS FUCKING INCOMING JUST CUT YOUR EYES OUT IF YOU HAVENT PLAYED IT YET… OH WAIT, YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE IF YOU CUT OUT YOUR EYES, SO FINISH THE ARTICLE, AND THEN CUT OUT YOUR EYES, YOU KNOW, FOR FUNZIES**** that I was bit by a zombie or should I hide it and risk turning and killing everyone I care about. Well, not Ben, fuck him. While in the end it did seem that none of the choices actually mattered(pretty much everyone ends up dying anyway), you only really find that out until the end of the 5 episodes. Which made me feel for 4.7757376456234 episodes that the game was totally in my hands. My Lee was different than your Lee. That is mega-wicked cool.

walking dead STAB FACE

Which brings me to the fact that the game was released episodically. I thought this was total genius. Each episode ended with a big enough cliffhanger that it made me LITERALLY CRACK-BABY JONESING FOR MY NEXT TWD HIT. I need that hit… give it to me… without it I might as well start eating my own skin…

Runner Up: To The Moon

I really don’t know where to start with this game. It totally came out of nowhere and I hadn’t heard anything about the actual game before I bought it. The only thing I knew was that it was an amazing story. The game itself is only about 3 hours, depending on how fast you make it through the pointless busywork that makes up the majority of gameplay, but the story is what makes you want to play more. I finished the game in one sitting. I couldn’t get enough of the story. The dialog between the two leads was so fresh and clever that I instantly fell in love with the characters. Then the story started to unravel and it made me love the game even more. I don’t even want to make any jokes at the expense of this game because the story is so sad and at the same time beautiful, that this game should be immune to all detraction. But that wouldn’t make me happy. I like making jokes. So here it is…. RIVER IS ALMOST AS AUTISTIC AS EADES… HAHAHAHA… a little autism humor for you all.

to-the-moon-logo1

I am not afraid to admit that this game made me cry. Not huge giant tears that could drown a small kitten. And not even a kitten in a burlap sack, cuz those kittens are way too easy to drown. I’m talking about tears so big that the kitten could just be sitting on the couch, quietly licking her paws, when all of the sudden, BAM! Drowned. A single tear, barely escaping the lid of my right eye (not my left, that’s my unsympathetic eye), was able to show itself during the emotional highpoint of the game. There wasn’t even just one point in the game that had the potential to make me cry, but since I am such a cold-blooded gangster, I wasn’t affected by the other sad moments. Maybe you, oh emotionally secure readers, would have a little more tears flowing from the tear flooders that are conveniently located on your face.

EDIT: Turns out this game came out in 2011. You think I give a fuck? Still runner up for best game of the year 2012.

Game of the Year: XCOM: Enemy Unknown

Oh man, where do I begin with this one? I guess I should start by saying I didn’t even know this game existed until a month before launch. As someone that played the original game and was forced to suffer through endless shitty remakes, the king of the shitpile being the first person shooter game that was, for some reason, called XCOM. Anyway, when I found out about this new XCOM game and that it wasn’t going to be a total pile of shit, I had to get it.

Now, this game COULD get game of the year just because of how awesome of a game it is, from a gameplay perspective. I think it should get GOTY not only because of that, but also for somehow making squad-based tactics game popular. As someone that played the original, Ogre Battle, Tactics Ogre, UFO: Extraterrestrials, Final Fantasy Tactics and probably a bunch more I am forgetting, it is refreshing to see a tactics game getting a lot of mainstream attention. Many other sites and podcasts that I’m sure some of you read/listen to (not this guy though, cuz podcasts are FUCKING DUMB AM I RITE??) have already given XCOM game of the year, and that is awesome. You might be thinking, “But Dangles bro, are you saying you are only voting for XCOM because it is popular and being popular is cool?”. To which I respond, “Fuck you bro, I liked XCOM WAY before it was cool, I’m not jumping on the bandwagon, I’M DRIVING THAT MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!”. That’s right, I am an XCOM hipster, so for other people to finally realize how awesome tactics games are is both great for the genre, hopefully we see a bunch more games like this to come, but it also gives me the right to say that I started another worldwide trend.

xcom enemys

Another, you say? Ya, I totally started the whole fist-bump into explosion that fucking EVERYONE does. I started this shit way back in 2002 (to be fair, a random black dude showed a buddy of mine who showed me, but I totally get to take credit) and nobody else even saw it coming. The first mainstream event I saw it appear on was during an LPGA event in 2004. Some lesbian golfer and her caddy just celebrated getting a +7 or some other shit that you should expect in women’s golf… LIKE THEY CAN EVEN HIT PAR LOLZZZ. Then it just blew up. Basketball players, football players, gangsters and drug dealers, even punk white kids that grew up in the suburbs… everyone was copying my shit. But I wasn’t mad. I’m not like those asshole hipsters that only like things UNTIL the mainstream population gets its dirty hands on it. I am a trendsetter. A trailblazer. A transvestite. Wait, no, FUCK, not a transvestite. I just kinda ran away with the T words and shit hit the fan.

Anyway… XCOM: Enemy Unknown is the 2012 Game of the Year.

BEAT THAT SHIT WUT WUT

13 comments

  1. Write more articles! This is what the English language needs to evolve into.

    • BlueTurkey

      It’s written in English? I’ve been wiping my tears too much to notice.

  2. Nominated for ‘Article of the year’ award.

  3. PandaPornStar

    I think this is the 1st article I’ve read from beginning to end in months, good job o great dangles

  4. harrySNOWMAN

    I didn’t think this article would happen, but i’m glad it did. I never knew Kevin was this fluent in Ebonics.

  5. ChrisakaPES

    If there were ever an atricle that could transcend borders of the world and establish world peace it may just be this one.

  6. Otaku-Sama

    I think I have become at least three times smarter than i originally was after reading this gift from the gods.

  7. Axf4ever

    Pretty good choices

  8. KeiToEverything

    This is a glorious article indeed.

  9. Jack Chekov

    There must of been a lot of pepper being ground to write this.

  10. eduardo

    best whatever in the world N/A

  11. eduardo

    #grandmaporn

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